Christine Kim
George just told me he’s leaving on a business trip today for a few days. I don’t know why that pisses me off. It’s not like we’re together - he’s just crashing here. He doesn’t have to give me ample warning when he’s not going to be here, does he? But fuck me, I'm still in marriage mode. It would be nice for him to let Le Kid know he's going away. Ugh!! Now is the time for him to be super organized. To communicate and show me I was "plain ol' wrong" about him - but instead he’s stickin' it to me over and over again. And I'm reacting like a four year old. I hate myself.
Want to know the truth? I think he doesn’t love me anymore and on some level, whether conscious or not, is making choices that make it impossible for me to stay with him because he's too chicken to pull the plug. I think he subconsciously sabotaged our relationship. I’m not saying I’m an angel through all this. I am just saying, he sent me these subtle and not so subtle messages that basically told me that I could feed him and look after our child, give him three put ups a day but other than that, I should buzz off.
I’ve been through a lot of relationships – George is difficult. He’s difficult but is he worth it? He’s not. I’m difficult. Well, I’m not. Well, am I? Yes and I’m worth it. Wait, am I? YES, I know I am. And I’m not that difficult – I’m just sort of saying I’m difficult because it’s uncool for me to say he’s difficult without me saying that I’m difficult too. But I’m not – really I’m not. And even if I was – the level of care I’m capable of is worth it. The amount of love and connection I offer is worth it. The language I want to develop with another person is deep and full of joy. Totally worth it. George doesn’t go that deep for another person. His self-involvement gets in the way. Other self-involved people may not notice. Or other people who feel desperate may shrug it off. But I want the chance to live a relationship to the fullest. And if not, I’m ok with cats. I can’t have sex with a cat – I know that. That’s not legal.
Want to know the truth? I think he doesn’t love me anymore and on some level, whether conscious or not, is making choices that make it impossible for me to stay with him because he's too chicken to pull the plug. I think he subconsciously sabotaged our relationship. I’m not saying I’m an angel through all this. I am just saying, he sent me these subtle and not so subtle messages that basically told me that I could feed him and look after our child, give him three put ups a day but other than that, I should buzz off.
I’ve been through a lot of relationships – George is difficult. He’s difficult but is he worth it? He’s not. I’m difficult. Well, I’m not. Well, am I? Yes and I’m worth it. Wait, am I? YES, I know I am. And I’m not that difficult – I’m just sort of saying I’m difficult because it’s uncool for me to say he’s difficult without me saying that I’m difficult too. But I’m not – really I’m not. And even if I was – the level of care I’m capable of is worth it. The amount of love and connection I offer is worth it. The language I want to develop with another person is deep and full of joy. Totally worth it. George doesn’t go that deep for another person. His self-involvement gets in the way. Other self-involved people may not notice. Or other people who feel desperate may shrug it off. But I want the chance to live a relationship to the fullest. And if not, I’m ok with cats. I can’t have sex with a cat – I know that. That’s not legal.
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